31.07.10
by
MM
I distinctly remember how terribly I was affected by Bama Bound (i.e. University of Alabama’s mandatory orientation program). Around this time last year, a few of my friends were preparing to attend the earliest session of the program. Eventually, they all left together, and that left me to contemplate the fun they were probably having.
Because I am naturally a spiteful person, I was relieved to hear that their Bama Bound experiences were generally terrible. This relief was incredibly shortsighted—I had not even considered that I would eventually be subjected to the same terribleness.
And then my time came. It was some weekend in June. I had spent the previous two weeks trying to find at least some distant acquaintance that was also going to be attending during my session. The day before I left, I was forced to accept that I was going to have to go through my Bama Bound session Free Willy-style.
The following is a list of some of the uncomfortable and weird things I experienced during my solo Bama Bound adventure:
- We were lodged in the Lakeside dorms with random roommates for the weekend. One of my roommates claimed that his legal name was Commander.
- Commander then spent fifteen minutes giving me an (unasked for) explanation of why he liked fat girls.
- Our other roommate, Trevor, stared out of the window for eight consecutive minutes. I can assure you this is not an exaggeration. I timed it.
- We had to watch a terrible skit put on by the Avantis (i.e. the group that guides everyone through orientation).
- The skit was going just really, really badly until all of the sudden, it went to shit. An Avanti guy named Toaster put on a terrible British accent and pretended to be Bear Grylls. Whereas Bear Grylls is the man, the Avantis suck. Additionally, the name Toaster sucks. So an Avanti named Toaster pretending to be Bear Grylls was a disastrous combination. (Incidentally, I haven’t been able to watch Man vs. Wild since. So thanks, Toaster. You’re a real asshole.)
- It was really hot, and we had to walk around a lot.
- We had to play a series of name games. I had to tell a room full of people what my most embarrassing moment was. It was no coincidence that these stupid activities were conducted by the stupid Avantis. I seized the opportunity to convey my disdain—my most embarrassing moment was having to watch the Avantis do their skits.
- The nighttime activity was a pool/pizza party. Since I figured that no pool/pizza party could match the awesomeness of the sixth grade graduation party that my elementary school put on, I decided to just skip out on the nighttime festivities. Instead, I sat in my room and read the seventh Harry Potter book.
- Commander came back from the pool spreading his good vibes everywhere. First, he spread them to Trevor, who I did not even know was in the room still. Then he opened my door, which I thought I had locked, and offered them to me. Finally, he spent the subsequent hour noisily spreading his good vibes to the fat girl he had brought back to our room. I could no longer read Harry Potter because of this.
- We had to wake up around eight o’clock the following morning to complete our registration. This seemed pointless as the majority of the morning time was spent sitting around waiting for the stupid Avantis to make us do more dumb activities.
Permalink
